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Quest With No ClothesMom was dying from a mean case of ebola, and her innards were leaking all over the couch. "Englebert," she whispered. I didn't know who Englebert was, but it was so nice to hear her sweet voice, regardless of the fact that her throat was melting. It was at this point when I made the decision to go to the store and buy a roll of paper towels. It was relatively sunny out considering it was three in the morning, but I figured hey, maybe we just moved to Australia or something and I just forgot. Another odd thing was that the supermarket was open at three in the morning. I walked in and received quite a shock -- some kid was running around with a taser gun shooting everybody. I quickly ran to the paper towel aisle and grabbed the last roll of Bounty. Realizing that the only currency on me was a couple of Yen, I stuffed the roll down the front of my shorts and ran into what I thought was a wall. Well, I looked up from the ground and what wasn't a wall at all was really a big fat smelly woman with crusty food stains all over her clothing. She was wearing a football helmet and a child's bib from Red Lobster. I could smell rubbing alcohol on her breath as she told me she had dibs on that last roll of the quicker picker-upper. I told her to go lose some weight and then maybe she'd have the balance she needed to not spill gumbo on herself and therefore she'd be able to maintain the appearance of something more evolved than a monkey. I also reminded her that her girth created way too much surface area for just one roll of paper towels to handle, and that she would have had to wait for the supermarket's next paper towel shipment anyway. Page One Page Two |
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