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Typeset in His WaysGregora, the Queen of Adjectives, perched on her elephantine throne and listlessly gazed over her subjects. Her detachment was painfully apparent; she did not like this gig. Or, she was embarrassed by the disgusting oversized throne. (It was a gift from Gary, who was senile in his old age. Gary, however, was not senile when he presented the cumbersome gift to her at the enthusiastic age of nine hundred and four.) Gregora tilted her head back and gurgled the word, “qwerty.” “Gregora, Queen of Adjectives, has spoken!” shouted Barney, the commander of the Loyal Order of Screaming Fishermen. The Screaming Fisherman began bleating and whinnying with suspicious vivacity, but were suddenly silenced by a voice in the back row of the Royal Court. It was me. “Qwerty? Are you that SAPPED?” The queen sat up. Everyone turned their crinkle-cut frowns toward me, as they all knew I would certainly end us up in detention. “That’s not even phonetically reasonable,” I continued. “Sure, it’s easy to type, but the letter Q must always be followed by a U. Phonetically.” The implications that any of this was spoken aloud is staggering. The queen stood up. “First of all, this means detention for all of you,” she said. The crowd moaned. “Secondly, if qwerty is too hard an adjective for you to pronounce, I suggest you relocate to another kingdom in this land, perhaps one under the rule of the King of Nouns or the Prince of Past Participles.” I winced at the sheer nonsense of all of this. The crowd, sensing
the queen’s agitation, began whispering to one another such completely
meaningful statements as “My, what a qwerty thing he’s doing,”
“It’s been a while since something so qwerty was quite exactly
that qwerty,” and “That qwerty man is downright qwerty, and
if there is a price to pay for being quite so qwerty, than this man is
the epitome of qwerty if I’ve ever seen qwertiness exhibited and
he will suffer greatly indeed, and in considerably qwerty a manner.” Page One Page Two Page Three |
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